To my future husband

Dear Hubby,

How can I find you? 

I would like to settle down and have a peaceful life with you.

When I was a kid, I do not want an ordinary life. 

But now, I really would like to have a simple sweet life with you.

I wish I can come home, sitting there and watch TV while you working on your stuff.

When you are done, you can hug me and watch TV with me.

When you are frustrated at work, you can share with me what had happened.

When you are happy, you can share with me all the joy and laughter.

I love to talk and laugh, this is the enjoyment that I wanted.

On weekends, we can take a walk at the park or beach.

You can go and hang around with your friends while I wait patiently for you to come home.

You can also bring me along to meet new people.

We can have candle light dinner or home cook food.

Love,

Cyn

Happy Vs Pain

I am extremely happy in these few days just being around with my family and friends. I had spent quality time laughing and joking with them. I had not been that happy or laugh like that for at least a year.

In the whole of last year, I had sweet time and painful time.
A lot of my friends had asked me to let go of him. It’s really hard.
Thinking of going back is really painful.

Love is painful
Loving someone who you know it can’t work out is painful
Being alone is painful
Current Work is painful

Last two days I thought I could let go of him, simply because I had not thought about him much recently. But when we chat, the feeling is there and I felt the pain…

Someone ever asked me to cut my losses and let go.
Someone ever told me that I deserved to be happy and should not be in pain.
Everyone said I can definitely find someone better.

Why have I not been blogging?

Well, the reason is simply because I don't know what to blog about.

I am hesitating in blogging about my personal life simply because I feel if I am over happy with it, bad luck will come.

I had chosen a path to not give up on a relationship that I had put in alot of effort in the past 1 year.Now it seems that GOOD luck is on my side. But I do not want to be over excited about it.
Enjoying the moment and just having my finger cross would be the best for me.

Recently, I had been chasing the Australia Open.
I must admit I was never a tennis fan, only when I watch the final of the mix double in Hopman Cup.Dimitry Tursunov from Russia really make me feel that tennis can be fun game too.

So I started watching Australia Open 2007, which to my amaze the commentator Jim Courier is a funnie guy.Bring the personalities of the tennis player to the viewers.

In the Women's Single tennis, I really like Maria Sharapova from Russia, her character simply attract me.

In the Men's tennis, I like a few guys, Marat Safin, Rafael Nadal and everyone's favourite Roger Federer, the unbeatable.He is simply amazing with the each match he played; every match he seems to beat his opponent easily.In the interview after match, Jim Courier brings out Roger's shy and humble character to screen.

Tonight's Roger beat Fernando and wins the 3rd Australia Open Championship Hurray.
And his 10th Grand Slam.

Roger Federer

Maria Sharapova

A Doctor Visit - Enjoy Life

Haven't blog for a long time...
The reason i didnt blog is I am totally confused about myself ...
I was shaken with the thoughts of my previous post...

Today i went to a doctor...had some stomache..which is killing me..Anyway...I went to this favourite doctor of mine..

She is always cheerful always happy...I don't understand why.

So I finally decide to ask her..why she is always happy..She said "I am a very lucky person, I had everything I wanted, what else more would I want to ask for." In my heart, I had this BIG WOW...

Then she asked me..so what makes you unhappy? I said to her..."Nothing in particular that makes me unhappy, but nothing seems to make me happy either"

So we had a chat about ..things...


She said...sometimes..in a BGR, guys can't be as romantic as you want..cant be as nice, considerate..etc. I told her exactly..the guy I love, has nothing a normal guy would do...Not even the simplest..thing..But to me, i really love is the peaceful and warmest when I felt with him.
And that's enough to overcome all the shitty things..But everyone..things the guy I love is so unworth..She said..."because only you have the feelings that nobody has..." So what the hack, as long as you enjoy it..that's fine..

The flame of LOVE dont last very long...One day the flame of love dies and you will see the other side of him, and if you think you can't live with it.The you have to tell him "See you later" ...
I told her she is exactly right..She said .."I remember I love a shitty guy too. till today I still love him" ..Well but my doc is happily married with a good husband & kids...according to her..I had never seen someone as happy as her..NEVER..

She said to me...there are bad days too..Then she will sit down at her garden and look at the trees around her.. and then said to herself..."enjoy life"

Finally - I made up my mind

I had finally made up my mind to return for SIN.

I had woken up from my dream, a dream that I had been carrying on for 1.5 years and unwilling to wake up. Today, I realise how dumb and silly i was to let someone that I love hurt me so deeply.
I never regretted meeting him. I still love. BUT enough is enough. I am glad that I am stepping it out myself.

I am going to the path that I had chosen whether its good or bad I will bear my own consequences. I know happiness is in my own hand. Only I can save myself..

I am thankful to have my family & friends welcoming back home.. I am sure... I WILL PARTY day and NIGHT with them.

Sadness will go away...Happiness is coming to my DOOR!!

Now what i can do is treasure the last 2 months here and enjoy every moment of SYDNEY.
Saying goodbye is hard, i am a sentimental person but I know I can make it to HOME.
I will party every day...and then set myself to go back home..

Dear XXX,
I still love you.. and never regretted meeting you.
It is you that make me understand the magic of love.
It is you who teach me every skills that I had now.
It is you who hurt me as deeply.
I know you tried to love but failed.

I enjoyed every moment I had with you, from the GOOD & BAD times.
But I know..I need to wake up from this dream that isn't true.

I hope you can cherish your life and wake up to.
You had not been the person i meet years ago, the cheerful and cool dude before.
Anyway it's your life I had said before...
"No woman can change you, only you can change yourself"

The song i heard today...nearly make me cry, it is so TRUE...
For you...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

(CHORUS)

(Oooh. Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again
(CHORUS)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
special
someone
someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone
hold my heart and watch it burn
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I've got you here to stay
I can love you for a day
I thought you were someone special
gave you my heart
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
last christmas I gave you my heart
you gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

From a ex-housemate & best friend

I had cried for 4 hours...
A friend came online...

Cyndax Says: without you, i think i wont be able to get thru it myself..

WS says (12:42 AM):
aiya... i didn't giv much help, i wish i have give you more care, at least let you use pillow to hit me.. hahahaa

Cyndax Say: haha..WS i am very happy to meet u in SYD

WS says (12:46 AM):
haha.. not a problem, me too me too

WS is my ex-ex's bf's best friend cum housemate for 2 years.
I had spend my happiest and sadest time with him in my first 4 years of my life in SYD..
After he left SYD for good, we always keep in touch...
Although he had not been with me..right now, but i know he is always there for me..
I miss him...his laughter..

When i stayed with him, i remember, everyday after work, i will come home and chat with him...he will be busy playing his games..but always listen to what I had to say..
When I am sad...he will buy me my fav Strawberry Sundae and surprise me in the fridge..

The day he left he bought me my fav Nice Cream Hazelnut ice-cream..

We had laughter we had fun...

Thanks WS...thanks...

Made my decision and not look back

I had struggled and cried for the past 3 hours.
And finally came to conclusion to leave SYD for good.

Putting it behind me

This blog is to make a ending chapter of a love that I decide to put it behind me..

In every relationship, there are always ups and down.Every moment to me is a page in the chapter of my life.I love and hate it depending on the issues.

Today I had decided to put everything behind me.Burried it in a secret place deep down.

Before I do so, I would like to give myself a recap.This is how our likings grew when we spend alot of time together.

We reach a point where we decided to "hang out" together.We spend almost every single weekend together for months.Doing things like gardening, walking the dog, watching telly, party, drinking, did almost everything.Spending time with him is the most wonderful thing even if its is doing nothing.

On some weekends, I would wait patiently for him to come home after work.And will be really excited.
I never knew I can be a "housewife" type could do something like that.When he had to send me home and kiss me goodbye.It is like a magical touch, I enjoyed every single moment of it.

Good times are always short.We argued a lot at work or both of us had often suggested to break up.
The reason for him is ...I like but not love..(part of me....feel..)The reason for me is I cant feel the love..In my life, I had not really put in alot of effort to make a relationship work.This time I did but earn alot of wounds, however, I did not give up and continue to try.Even if it means that my soulmate would say to me, why are you doing this and getting hurt each time..I go against her advice and continue..because I believe that "if there is love, and both party willing to work it out, we can make it to the end". Each time, one of the party decide to give up.And each time sometime happen and we get back together.

Recently I had a wake up call.I don't want to continue living in the state I am now.
If someone don't love me and never will.I should not continue.

In life, there are certain things I had to give up.No matter how stubborn I can be, I had to let go.
He is one of the person I need to let go even I know I love me alot alot.Love cant be expressed. I can't tell you why I love him. I really dont know.There is somehow just a magical attraction.

But this relationship is not going anywhere.So i should not even have hope for anything.

I need to LOVE myself 200%.Burried this feelings in me and never bring it up until i get over.
Determination is sometime I need most.

I am sick of the "merry-go-round" or back to square one state.
I need to get out.
I am sure I can do it.

I had never regret meeting him.
I had learn many lessons in life.
My prespective changes, and understand the magic of love.

I had a friend who dated a gal and I totally object.
But now I understand why he do it.
I always remember he said "she is my dream and let me try and make it come true"
He made it.He finally got my blessings in my heart even though he may not know.