Happiness Is a Choice

Wasting My Life

Before I came to SYD, I had never did any crazy things in my life..
The life I had was just studying and working.. very simple..

In the past 1 year, I had experience the worst/best I could think of..
Someone said to me, everyone screws up in life..
This is how they experience life..
And I think well, that is true. I enjoy/dislike part of it totally.
But ..I should also start planning for myself.. and not waste my life.

My Buddy told me...
"You need to make a decision, be firm with it. Nobody can help you. It's all in your mind/eart. Only you know what should be done. Once you are firm, if one day you regretted, you are able to leave with it because you made that decision."

The End

My relationship had finally ended.
Even though, I had convinced myself not to get too upset if this day gonna come.

But ..still when I hear that answer..."yup, i want to give up"

That really hurts..
It had cut through my heart.

But I didnt cry. We had given each other a long hug. A hug that i would not want to let go.
I kiss him good bye.. and smile. I told him, he seldom kiss me goodbye..so can he give me one to reward me for still trying to make myself happy.
He did give me a kiss on the cheek. I smile and said we can still contact and go out as friends.
I am always here.

When I get off the car and open my house gate, I close it and sit at the stairs crying.
I knew this is over. That's why I cried. Silly me. But i cant help. I didnt cry for too long.
Because i think the pain in the heart is cant generate any more tears.. too painful..

My best friends will probably think its a good news.
I deserved someone better. Although, we had alot of differences, but deep inside me I wish it could work.

Total Shit

I hate the feeling right now.
This feeling really make me feel so shit.
The feeling of loneliness is so miserable.
My God.. I hate it

You know i cant live with it..
Why cant you just come ...

You Tube

My Fav You Tube..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myqyKZsknmw"

This always make me laugh...Hossan Leong..

Thanks..

Dear Friends,

Thanks for your support and comments..
I am glad to have you around..although its seems so far...
Well.."a phone call" away..

One of my buddy show me this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt__AaFtmIk

After watching it I said to him

Cyn: "Don't invite me to your wedding"
Z: "our wedding you mean?"
Cyn: "Oh No!"

Have you ever feel like this?

I feel like finding someone to chat...
Yet I am not sure who to look for and even what to talk about...
To me, it seems that I am repeating myself over and over again...
I want to chat yet at the same time I don't...

I am tired, so I decided to sleep
Laying down on my bed... yet my eyes are just widely open..
I can't seems to fall asleep...

Damn..what should I do?

I wish i know magic and can write a spell and fall asleep..

Work

My work is stressing me out.
I am lost in my work...not know what to do ..

What I like what I am doing...
I only know what I dislike and always putting it off and not doing it...
I REALLY need to get on the task I hate most and work on it....

Sometimes

Sometimes..I wish I could be back with my "ex"..
Sometimes ..I wish for a new love..

I enjoy falling in love, being in love...
But unfortunately... sometimes it just seems so hard to find someone to love..

Am I too "high maintenance"..

My "ex" used to tell me I am very high maintenance...
I never thought I was in the past... But now.. Maybe I want to find someone to maintain me ..

Recently I had make some changes to myself..I try to regain self confidence by putting effort in making myself look & feel good.

I am seeing my results slowly...

Scuplture by the Sea Part II

Look at the crowd....

The X'mas trees are feeling "down"... they decided to hang themself..

Angle 1

Angle 2

It all depends on what you want to see..
Different Angle Different Meanings

Feeling thirsty, Lipton "Fireman" comes to rescue with his hose..

Thanks.. To A.C for the some of the pics..

Scuplture by the Sea

A: Hey Cyndax..Wanna go and look at scuplture by the sea?
Cyndax: Sure What time?
A: 9.30am
Cyndax: Err.. (it's 2am now..geez i will have to drag myself out of bed by 8) Anyway..ok..
This is how I make it to the BONDI Beach.
It took me 3 hrs to and fro to finish viewing the scuplture..
But well...its interesting...and the weather is good...with the sea breeze..

Choices In Life

A Sleepless Lonely Friday Night

Normally Fridays are party nights..
Actually it depends on where are you..or who are you with...

A single lady on a foreign land..with limited friends.. Friday Night is a lonely Night..

I had a dinner with a mentor tonight... but thats what I do every friday and come home..
Watching the boring movies on my telly..

Wanna find someone to chat but...hmmm.. My Galfriends..dating their bf every fridays..
My housemate sleep in as she just came back from her business trip..
The blokes in the office are out drinking beers..

Then I would spend my time day dreaming of what it would be like if I am SIN..
Hmm...probably stay at home...but well at least I can call my friends and ask them out without anytime for Teh Tarik...

OH..Yeah..surely..i will be playing majong or gone for a midnight movie..
I miss my midnight movie sessions in SIN.
I remember in my good Old Days.. I watch 2 movies in a row on a friday or saturday night...

Now..I hardly watch a movie in a month..Geez What a change..
Oh and I can only play PC based Majong..which I dislike so much haha....

Sigh...

How can I moved on?

I know why its so hard for me to moved on..
I see and work with you every single day.
How can I moved on?

I had tried closing my ears on any conversations that could possibly involved you.

I will pull through

When i tried to ring at least 6 friends and could not get any of them....
I would feel lonely, miserable and depressed..

I don't always tried to contact every friend..of cos i had more than 6 friends..
Sometimes when I selectively choose to call any of them and just could not get any..
I feel lonely..

Perhaps..it would be different if I am back home..
It's too tough being alone here...
I did ask my colleague.. how did she manage? She was here when she was in High Sch all by herself.. She told me ..she had been through what I am experiencing now.. And one day I will reach to a point where i will tell myself..its good to be alone too...

Today...the feeling is shit.. I know that my heart had shifted..and heading to a wrong direction..
I am digging my own grave.. but I know it and still doing it...

My Cousin told me... "some people don't like to get hurt, when they get a little hurt they will say NO MORE. Some people like her don't want to regret and keep trying till she had enough even if it takes her to get hurt over and over again.." Well, I guess I am type II.. would try over and over again... I know I had not reach the point when "ENOUGH is ENOUGH"...

I know deep inside I want to go back...but..i am holding myself and trying to move on...
I will pull through, just don't make any silly move...
I will be alright.

Feeling Hopeless..

Today I had a good time at badminton and WON a lunch.
Haha.. I didnt really do much ...my "brother" at work is the man of the match hee..

Anyway..why am i feeling hopeless..
Last 2 weeks I did not want to attend the badminton session because my "ex-partner" sends me home after the game. Unfortunately we kind of live in the same direction ... therefore he had NO CHOICE but to send me home.

Last week I nearly cry in his car, the feelings was so shit.. As it was a silence 40min drive...
This week, I am feeling better.. I didnt really feel that sad while in his car but it was still silence 40min drive. Maybe this time, I myself didn't want to start any conversation either..

But as usual, when I reached my house..I would always ask if he wants a chat.
By doing so, I am opening up an opportunity for him to tell me ..."let's break up"

Maybe to many others, they would tell me isn't that obvious enough?
Well... I had been through so many ups and downs with him...
Each time either one of us would say "I don't want to continue"..
This time...I hadn't heard that statement yet..

Not that I really want to hear it...but...sometimes..i want to die..in a straight cut.
Living like now may be torturing ...

Someone would ask me Why can't you just leave him?
He is an idiot anyway..Well. My Answer is I did tried so many times.. but I just couldn't or part of me just not willing. I am sure someone would say "you didnt try hard enough"..Sigh..Love is blind..
And I am 100% sure I am blinded now..That's why I feel that I am hopless...

In fact, my emotion self and my logical self is fighting against each other.

Logical Self: "Stupid Silly Emotional Self, just leave him. Once you leave him, you are one step closer to the REAL MR Right"
Emotional Self: "You just simply don't understand emotions and love. I feel the comfort when I am with him, even by doing absolutely nothing."

Logical Self: "But how can someone who you date hurt you like that"
Emotional Self: "Someone ever told me, there are ups and downs in life. It is only because of the down periods that leads you to appreciate the ups. Therefore this is just one of my down time."

Logical Self: "How long have you been going in this merry-go-round? Self torturing, you deserved it."
Emotional Self: "But I really did have happy times too."

Emotional Self: "Please give me more time."
Logical Self: "How long more you need? How many more deadlines you are giving your self. You are just hopeless."

Emotional Self: "Ok..I am killing my love. Time will heals. Time will make me forget."
Logical Self: "You better do it. The last resort will be to leave him, not see him forever."


I am still not crazy...
At times, people's mind and heart just simply go against each other...

It's a difficult move

Recently, my best friends are giving me moral support to move on..
But it's really heart...

My heart sanked suddenly when I had the thought of him.
We hadn't talk today at work. I didn't give myself much opportunity to see him or communicate to him because I am afraid. I am afraid I will go back to my "merry-go-round" again.

I am angry with myself and him.
I know he is not the person I am after or he can't provide what I would like to have in a relationship.

My housemate told me ..he will need to change a 180 degree to be worth it to go to him again. Why not 360 degree?..she said then its back to square one..

As I am blogging this post, my ipod had the following song which best describe my feelings now.. "我忘了這是第幾次 一見你就無法堅持 "

I know i am really stuffed this time...
I do not understand why is it so difficult for me to walk out this relationship.
I fully understand my life won't be "good" or I won't live "happily forever" if I continue on. There will be no miracle or fairy tale that could savage this..
Move On CYNDAX...Moved On..
I had been trying to self hypnotize in giving up and moving on with life..

真實 張惠妹

詞:徐世珍 曲:Won, Tae Yeon/Cho Kyuman

你說的話  在我心中生了根  愛得很深  所以心很痛
記憶  在我的心中翻滾  是不是每一個人  都像我一樣笨
只怕再問  對彼此都太殘忍  我能感覺  另外一個人
我等  等笑容換成淚痕  愛在崩潰的時候  比較真
太多疑問  知道答案又如何
原來容忍不需要天份  只要愛錯一個人
心痛比快樂更真實  愛為何這樣的諷刺
我忘了這是第幾次  一見你就無法堅持
孤獨比擁抱更真實  愛讓人失去了理智
會不會是我太自私  拒絕更寂寞的日子
放不開  也看不見未來
難得這種不完美  才是愛情真實的樣子

Working in Aust

Today I realise the difference between working in Aust and SIN.
Back home, you will definitely dont have a luxurious lunch like what I had today...

My Supplier brought me & my boss to Sydney Cricket Ground to watch a Live cricket match.
Although, I know nothing about the game, my boss & supplier spend time explaining to me..
They nearly gone mad..the wickets...and runs and stuff.. Too complicated for me..

This is sort of a friendly matched between NSW and England hence there isn't much people..
But my supplier (an scottish) seems to enjoy the game very much... for me..i just want to have an experience watching a cricket game..





But i enjoyed my lunch there... Had a Steak with Jack Potato..
Well... Today I learn that, if the chef is french and you love Medium-Rare steak..always order it to be Medium-WellDone.. They seems to say that french people never cook the steak to well down..

I ordered Medium to WellDone.. and my Steak looks so bloody..
Well..but i still eat it hee..cos they recooked the second time and its still the same..
I feel that it's pointless to change...

A nice Message from My Brother

i tell u ar
i dun msg u doesnt mean i forget u
i dun talk to u doesent mean i hate u
the reson for not msging u is to let u
have a opportunity to miss me :D

--This message brightens up my day...

My Dream Love...

Recently I am watching a HongKong Series and its a love story.
This show make me wonder what kind of love I would like to have..

I wanted a romantic love...But I guess...it never happens these days...
I wish for a guy who can love me alot, hold my hands and do shopping...surprise me at times..
We can spend quality time together, cook for each other, do some basic chores..
Share our thoughts...

The previous love I had is not what I expected.Something different, although there is not much of romance as I thought, it was something that I couldn't let go.

I had been through so many ups and down in that relationship..
In that relationship...I had once believe..
That If there is love, nothing is impossible...and strongly work on that believe.
However, it had proven to me that it takes 2 to clap.
Takes two to put in as much effort to make things work.

Now ..It just seems that he wanna let go..
So there is no point for me to hold on to it...