Feeling Hopeless..

Today I had a good time at badminton and WON a lunch.
Haha.. I didnt really do much ...my "brother" at work is the man of the match hee..

Anyway..why am i feeling hopeless..
Last 2 weeks I did not want to attend the badminton session because my "ex-partner" sends me home after the game. Unfortunately we kind of live in the same direction ... therefore he had NO CHOICE but to send me home.

Last week I nearly cry in his car, the feelings was so shit.. As it was a silence 40min drive...
This week, I am feeling better.. I didnt really feel that sad while in his car but it was still silence 40min drive. Maybe this time, I myself didn't want to start any conversation either..

But as usual, when I reached my house..I would always ask if he wants a chat.
By doing so, I am opening up an opportunity for him to tell me ..."let's break up"

Maybe to many others, they would tell me isn't that obvious enough?
Well... I had been through so many ups and downs with him...
Each time either one of us would say "I don't want to continue"..
This time...I hadn't heard that statement yet..

Not that I really want to hear it...but...sometimes..i want to die..in a straight cut.
Living like now may be torturing ...

Someone would ask me Why can't you just leave him?
He is an idiot anyway..Well. My Answer is I did tried so many times.. but I just couldn't or part of me just not willing. I am sure someone would say "you didnt try hard enough"..Sigh..Love is blind..
And I am 100% sure I am blinded now..That's why I feel that I am hopless...

In fact, my emotion self and my logical self is fighting against each other.

Logical Self: "Stupid Silly Emotional Self, just leave him. Once you leave him, you are one step closer to the REAL MR Right"
Emotional Self: "You just simply don't understand emotions and love. I feel the comfort when I am with him, even by doing absolutely nothing."

Logical Self: "But how can someone who you date hurt you like that"
Emotional Self: "Someone ever told me, there are ups and downs in life. It is only because of the down periods that leads you to appreciate the ups. Therefore this is just one of my down time."

Logical Self: "How long have you been going in this merry-go-round? Self torturing, you deserved it."
Emotional Self: "But I really did have happy times too."

Emotional Self: "Please give me more time."
Logical Self: "How long more you need? How many more deadlines you are giving your self. You are just hopeless."

Emotional Self: "Ok..I am killing my love. Time will heals. Time will make me forget."
Logical Self: "You better do it. The last resort will be to leave him, not see him forever."


I am still not crazy...
At times, people's mind and heart just simply go against each other...