A Doctor Visit - Enjoy Life

Haven't blog for a long time...
The reason i didnt blog is I am totally confused about myself ...
I was shaken with the thoughts of my previous post...

Today i went to a doctor...had some stomache..which is killing me..Anyway...I went to this favourite doctor of mine..

She is always cheerful always happy...I don't understand why.

So I finally decide to ask her..why she is always happy..She said "I am a very lucky person, I had everything I wanted, what else more would I want to ask for." In my heart, I had this BIG WOW...

Then she asked me..so what makes you unhappy? I said to her..."Nothing in particular that makes me unhappy, but nothing seems to make me happy either"

So we had a chat about ..things...


She said...sometimes..in a BGR, guys can't be as romantic as you want..cant be as nice, considerate..etc. I told her exactly..the guy I love, has nothing a normal guy would do...Not even the simplest..thing..But to me, i really love is the peaceful and warmest when I felt with him.
And that's enough to overcome all the shitty things..But everyone..things the guy I love is so unworth..She said..."because only you have the feelings that nobody has..." So what the hack, as long as you enjoy it..that's fine..

The flame of LOVE dont last very long...One day the flame of love dies and you will see the other side of him, and if you think you can't live with it.The you have to tell him "See you later" ...
I told her she is exactly right..She said .."I remember I love a shitty guy too. till today I still love him" ..Well but my doc is happily married with a good husband & kids...according to her..I had never seen someone as happy as her..NEVER..

She said to me...there are bad days too..Then she will sit down at her garden and look at the trees around her.. and then said to herself..."enjoy life"

Finally - I made up my mind

I had finally made up my mind to return for SIN.

I had woken up from my dream, a dream that I had been carrying on for 1.5 years and unwilling to wake up. Today, I realise how dumb and silly i was to let someone that I love hurt me so deeply.
I never regretted meeting him. I still love. BUT enough is enough. I am glad that I am stepping it out myself.

I am going to the path that I had chosen whether its good or bad I will bear my own consequences. I know happiness is in my own hand. Only I can save myself..

I am thankful to have my family & friends welcoming back home.. I am sure... I WILL PARTY day and NIGHT with them.

Sadness will go away...Happiness is coming to my DOOR!!

Now what i can do is treasure the last 2 months here and enjoy every moment of SYDNEY.
Saying goodbye is hard, i am a sentimental person but I know I can make it to HOME.
I will party every day...and then set myself to go back home..

Dear XXX,
I still love you.. and never regretted meeting you.
It is you that make me understand the magic of love.
It is you who teach me every skills that I had now.
It is you who hurt me as deeply.
I know you tried to love but failed.

I enjoyed every moment I had with you, from the GOOD & BAD times.
But I know..I need to wake up from this dream that isn't true.

I hope you can cherish your life and wake up to.
You had not been the person i meet years ago, the cheerful and cool dude before.
Anyway it's your life I had said before...
"No woman can change you, only you can change yourself"

The song i heard today...nearly make me cry, it is so TRUE...
For you...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

(CHORUS)

(Oooh. Oooh Baby)

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Oooh Oooh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again
(CHORUS)

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
(Gave you my heart)
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Next year
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
special
someone
someone
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
who'll give me something in return
I'll give it to someone
hold my heart and watch it burn
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special
I've got you here to stay
I can love you for a day
I thought you were someone special
gave you my heart
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone
last christmas I gave you my heart
you gave it away
I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone

From a ex-housemate & best friend

I had cried for 4 hours...
A friend came online...

Cyndax Says: without you, i think i wont be able to get thru it myself..

WS says (12:42 AM):
aiya... i didn't giv much help, i wish i have give you more care, at least let you use pillow to hit me.. hahahaa

Cyndax Say: haha..WS i am very happy to meet u in SYD

WS says (12:46 AM):
haha.. not a problem, me too me too

WS is my ex-ex's bf's best friend cum housemate for 2 years.
I had spend my happiest and sadest time with him in my first 4 years of my life in SYD..
After he left SYD for good, we always keep in touch...
Although he had not been with me..right now, but i know he is always there for me..
I miss him...his laughter..

When i stayed with him, i remember, everyday after work, i will come home and chat with him...he will be busy playing his games..but always listen to what I had to say..
When I am sad...he will buy me my fav Strawberry Sundae and surprise me in the fridge..

The day he left he bought me my fav Nice Cream Hazelnut ice-cream..

We had laughter we had fun...

Thanks WS...thanks...

Made my decision and not look back

I had struggled and cried for the past 3 hours.
And finally came to conclusion to leave SYD for good.

Putting it behind me

This blog is to make a ending chapter of a love that I decide to put it behind me..

In every relationship, there are always ups and down.Every moment to me is a page in the chapter of my life.I love and hate it depending on the issues.

Today I had decided to put everything behind me.Burried it in a secret place deep down.

Before I do so, I would like to give myself a recap.This is how our likings grew when we spend alot of time together.

We reach a point where we decided to "hang out" together.We spend almost every single weekend together for months.Doing things like gardening, walking the dog, watching telly, party, drinking, did almost everything.Spending time with him is the most wonderful thing even if its is doing nothing.

On some weekends, I would wait patiently for him to come home after work.And will be really excited.
I never knew I can be a "housewife" type could do something like that.When he had to send me home and kiss me goodbye.It is like a magical touch, I enjoyed every single moment of it.

Good times are always short.We argued a lot at work or both of us had often suggested to break up.
The reason for him is ...I like but not love..(part of me....feel..)The reason for me is I cant feel the love..In my life, I had not really put in alot of effort to make a relationship work.This time I did but earn alot of wounds, however, I did not give up and continue to try.Even if it means that my soulmate would say to me, why are you doing this and getting hurt each time..I go against her advice and continue..because I believe that "if there is love, and both party willing to work it out, we can make it to the end". Each time, one of the party decide to give up.And each time sometime happen and we get back together.

Recently I had a wake up call.I don't want to continue living in the state I am now.
If someone don't love me and never will.I should not continue.

In life, there are certain things I had to give up.No matter how stubborn I can be, I had to let go.
He is one of the person I need to let go even I know I love me alot alot.Love cant be expressed. I can't tell you why I love him. I really dont know.There is somehow just a magical attraction.

But this relationship is not going anywhere.So i should not even have hope for anything.

I need to LOVE myself 200%.Burried this feelings in me and never bring it up until i get over.
Determination is sometime I need most.

I am sick of the "merry-go-round" or back to square one state.
I need to get out.
I am sure I can do it.

I had never regret meeting him.
I had learn many lessons in life.
My prespective changes, and understand the magic of love.

I had a friend who dated a gal and I totally object.
But now I understand why he do it.
I always remember he said "she is my dream and let me try and make it come true"
He made it.He finally got my blessings in my heart even though he may not know.

Happiness Is a Choice

Wasting My Life

Before I came to SYD, I had never did any crazy things in my life..
The life I had was just studying and working.. very simple..

In the past 1 year, I had experience the worst/best I could think of..
Someone said to me, everyone screws up in life..
This is how they experience life..
And I think well, that is true. I enjoy/dislike part of it totally.
But ..I should also start planning for myself.. and not waste my life.

My Buddy told me...
"You need to make a decision, be firm with it. Nobody can help you. It's all in your mind/eart. Only you know what should be done. Once you are firm, if one day you regretted, you are able to leave with it because you made that decision."

The End

My relationship had finally ended.
Even though, I had convinced myself not to get too upset if this day gonna come.

But ..still when I hear that answer..."yup, i want to give up"

That really hurts..
It had cut through my heart.

But I didnt cry. We had given each other a long hug. A hug that i would not want to let go.
I kiss him good bye.. and smile. I told him, he seldom kiss me goodbye..so can he give me one to reward me for still trying to make myself happy.
He did give me a kiss on the cheek. I smile and said we can still contact and go out as friends.
I am always here.

When I get off the car and open my house gate, I close it and sit at the stairs crying.
I knew this is over. That's why I cried. Silly me. But i cant help. I didnt cry for too long.
Because i think the pain in the heart is cant generate any more tears.. too painful..

My best friends will probably think its a good news.
I deserved someone better. Although, we had alot of differences, but deep inside me I wish it could work.

Total Shit

I hate the feeling right now.
This feeling really make me feel so shit.
The feeling of loneliness is so miserable.
My God.. I hate it

You know i cant live with it..
Why cant you just come ...

You Tube

My Fav You Tube..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myqyKZsknmw"

This always make me laugh...Hossan Leong..

Thanks..

Dear Friends,

Thanks for your support and comments..
I am glad to have you around..although its seems so far...
Well.."a phone call" away..

One of my buddy show me this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt__AaFtmIk

After watching it I said to him

Cyn: "Don't invite me to your wedding"
Z: "our wedding you mean?"
Cyn: "Oh No!"

Have you ever feel like this?

I feel like finding someone to chat...
Yet I am not sure who to look for and even what to talk about...
To me, it seems that I am repeating myself over and over again...
I want to chat yet at the same time I don't...

I am tired, so I decided to sleep
Laying down on my bed... yet my eyes are just widely open..
I can't seems to fall asleep...

Damn..what should I do?

I wish i know magic and can write a spell and fall asleep..

Work

My work is stressing me out.
I am lost in my work...not know what to do ..

What I like what I am doing...
I only know what I dislike and always putting it off and not doing it...
I REALLY need to get on the task I hate most and work on it....

Sometimes

Sometimes..I wish I could be back with my "ex"..
Sometimes ..I wish for a new love..

I enjoy falling in love, being in love...
But unfortunately... sometimes it just seems so hard to find someone to love..

Am I too "high maintenance"..

My "ex" used to tell me I am very high maintenance...
I never thought I was in the past... But now.. Maybe I want to find someone to maintain me ..

Recently I had make some changes to myself..I try to regain self confidence by putting effort in making myself look & feel good.

I am seeing my results slowly...

Scuplture by the Sea Part II

Look at the crowd....

The X'mas trees are feeling "down"... they decided to hang themself..

Angle 1

Angle 2

It all depends on what you want to see..
Different Angle Different Meanings

Feeling thirsty, Lipton "Fireman" comes to rescue with his hose..

Thanks.. To A.C for the some of the pics..

Scuplture by the Sea

A: Hey Cyndax..Wanna go and look at scuplture by the sea?
Cyndax: Sure What time?
A: 9.30am
Cyndax: Err.. (it's 2am now..geez i will have to drag myself out of bed by 8) Anyway..ok..
This is how I make it to the BONDI Beach.
It took me 3 hrs to and fro to finish viewing the scuplture..
But well...its interesting...and the weather is good...with the sea breeze..

Choices In Life

A Sleepless Lonely Friday Night

Normally Fridays are party nights..
Actually it depends on where are you..or who are you with...

A single lady on a foreign land..with limited friends.. Friday Night is a lonely Night..

I had a dinner with a mentor tonight... but thats what I do every friday and come home..
Watching the boring movies on my telly..

Wanna find someone to chat but...hmmm.. My Galfriends..dating their bf every fridays..
My housemate sleep in as she just came back from her business trip..
The blokes in the office are out drinking beers..

Then I would spend my time day dreaming of what it would be like if I am SIN..
Hmm...probably stay at home...but well at least I can call my friends and ask them out without anytime for Teh Tarik...

OH..Yeah..surely..i will be playing majong or gone for a midnight movie..
I miss my midnight movie sessions in SIN.
I remember in my good Old Days.. I watch 2 movies in a row on a friday or saturday night...

Now..I hardly watch a movie in a month..Geez What a change..
Oh and I can only play PC based Majong..which I dislike so much haha....

Sigh...

How can I moved on?

I know why its so hard for me to moved on..
I see and work with you every single day.
How can I moved on?

I had tried closing my ears on any conversations that could possibly involved you.

I will pull through

When i tried to ring at least 6 friends and could not get any of them....
I would feel lonely, miserable and depressed..

I don't always tried to contact every friend..of cos i had more than 6 friends..
Sometimes when I selectively choose to call any of them and just could not get any..
I feel lonely..

Perhaps..it would be different if I am back home..
It's too tough being alone here...
I did ask my colleague.. how did she manage? She was here when she was in High Sch all by herself.. She told me ..she had been through what I am experiencing now.. And one day I will reach to a point where i will tell myself..its good to be alone too...

Today...the feeling is shit.. I know that my heart had shifted..and heading to a wrong direction..
I am digging my own grave.. but I know it and still doing it...

My Cousin told me... "some people don't like to get hurt, when they get a little hurt they will say NO MORE. Some people like her don't want to regret and keep trying till she had enough even if it takes her to get hurt over and over again.." Well, I guess I am type II.. would try over and over again... I know I had not reach the point when "ENOUGH is ENOUGH"...

I know deep inside I want to go back...but..i am holding myself and trying to move on...
I will pull through, just don't make any silly move...
I will be alright.