My Current Feelings

A buddy told me I should blog about my feelings..so I started this post

Initially when I started this blog, i wanted to try and avoid blogging on one issue.I wanted to avoid blogging about my "partner".

I know that I had lived my life around him or he was the only thing in my world in the last whole year.
Now I am trying to move on and let go of him.However, it's damn difficult. Or I should say part of me is unwilling to move on.

My best friend may think i am silly to still clinch some hopes on him.
But the weird think about love is, it can be torturing, hurting and we still choose to love.

I had been through many relationships before or had met many guys before.
And in those relationships, I can walk away easily.

But this one, I had tried to break up many times or we had break up many times and yet is back today.
At the current stage, I am not even sure if we are still together.
The worst thing is normally our fights are work related issues, which should not be a big deal at all.
But well, sometimes.. when to love one work together and starts to get impatient they accidentally hurt each other deeply.

For the past few weeks, my partner is very angry with me.
I am not 100% sure what is the real reason. I can only guess its work related.

During these weeks, my mind was having a big turmoil.
I had tried to convince myself, leaving him is a good decision and choice.
Then the following day I would think, geez I still love him. I can't bear to let go.
Then I would feel, no no..he is hurting me too much.
I would then forgive him in no time, and want to be back again.
Then I would want to prepare myself to let go since I already did my best.

The back and forth situation happen so quickly just like a roller coaster.

Why can't we just sit down and talk over it?
Well. I realise it's still not time yet.
If there is still fire, talking about it may be just be like pouring oil over it.

I really don't know what happen to me.
Because in the past, I would never land myself in this state.
If I think that I won't have a future with the GUY, I would end it asap.
But now, I know I may not have a future, or my furture may not be a Fairy Tale, I still choose to carry one.

My sis wrote this in her blog before "No-one can hurt you, unless you let them. And Life is about choices, you can make a choice"
Of cos I knew I am letting him to hurt me, this is because I still love him.
I also know that I made a STUPID choice which is to carry one loving him.

My sis ever ask me, What do you see in him?
Haha. I really don't know how to answer that question. I guess, I am blinded by love and there is a special magnet that just suck me into him.

I used to have this prayer..
"God, is he my MR RIGHT, if he is, can you please make him love me more. If he isn't can you get rid of him in my heart"
Well..believe me, this prayer never worked yet.

Frankly speaking, I dare not think of the following:
- Should I leave him? My heart and mind would be fighting against each other on this matter.
- Would he come and love me more? Although I had my answer in my heart but I am not gamed enough to accept it.
- Would he tell me he want to leave me again? I dare not hear this.

Sometimes, I would send my partner an email about my feelings.
Although he never replied. But at the same time, my heart are usually tight when I click on my INBOX.
Because I still do not want to hear the bad news.

I still love him. Why? Because I had my happy times too, and this magically attraction is still there.